Idol 101: Why Idolism is an Awful Hobby

What if I told you that there was an organized hobby that existed for older, perverted men to dote on school-age girls?

(Not quite...but close)

No, it's not molestation or stalking, though I can't say that it's much better than either of those.

No, it's idolism. Just the word pains my keyboard.

So, why exactly is idolism such an awful hobby, that no one (other than the aforementioned perverted men in their 40's) should be into?

It's because it's really creepy.

My first experience with Idols and Idol culture out of Japan came from a friend of mine in high school. At the time I was beginning the burgeoning career of a K-Pop fan, which is no small feat.

(Though Koreans do have small feet...I'm sorry that pun was awful. Now, to delete "korean small feet" from my Google history)

He was the person who, after asking me some random homework questions, practically flipped when I told him I was just getting into K-pop with some Girls' Generation videos (that, ironically, were shown to me as a joke).

He immediately began insisting on sending me folders and folders of K-pop music, which he so cutely (*AHEM* kawaii) titled "K-pop-starter-pack.zip". At the time, and even today, a lot of what he sent me comprises my most listened to songs in iTunes. I owe him for introducing to me some of my favorite bands today, like Big Bang, 2NE1, KARA, B2ST, 4Minute, Super Junior, TRAX, CN Blue, and of course, this guy.

(Why yes, I am a gay Mario. NOW GO GET YO CRAYON YO)

I really like K-pop: from the crazy, upbeat tracks, to the souped-up vocals, it's so perfectly over-the-top. Ironically, I think it's pretty similar to Euro pop and some mainstream American music. But unlike both of those genres, the songs are way more catchy, and make you want to sing and dance along in Korean, like an idiot. It harkens back to the era of boy bands and girl groups in the 1990's, where catchy melodies that stayed stuck in your head would top the charts.

So after really enjoying a number of the K-pop tracks he sent me, (in between all-night sessions of Honors Anatomy homework), I went back to him for some more music suggestions.

That's when he wrote me:

"Oh, have you heard of AKB48?"

I wrote back "no", and intrigued in his brief explanation of the hobby, looked up the group on Wikipedia and read this article he sent me:

http://newschoolkaidan.com/daes-idol-101/

(You should actually read/skim this, as I'll reference it a few times, and it's a decent intro piece to the hobby)

My immediate response to the fandom was..."ummm...what the hell...?" The concept of a girl group with 48 constantly alternating members seemed really foreign, and well...weird.

Undeterred by my American bias, since my delving into K-pop fandom was so fruitful, I asked him to send me some music. I received the equally as kawaii-titled zip: "J-pop-starter-pack.zip". In it was a little bit of miscellaneous J-pop, but consisted mostly of this AKB album:

(Circus concept, think Insane Clown Posse)

So I put it into iTunes and listened away...and this is what I heard:

(I'm going to make liberal use of pink and weab-speak)

WATASHI WAA WA KAWAII DOGGY KAWAII. *UPBEAT MELODY KICKS* HAYAKU HAYUKU MY BOI. NEKO NEKO NEKO DES KAWAII. NICHI NICHI GIRI GIRI. I LOVE YOUUUUU!! TSUNDA TSUNDA GAYYYYY!!! YAHHHH!!!! BAHHH!!!! DAA!!!!!

For lack of a better word, the music, (save for a few catchy melodies), was awful.

Just listen to it! (or worse, watch it).

(Yes, ALL of the AKB48 videos are this pervy)

All it was was high-pitched 14 year old girls screaming "kawaii" into my ear over and over across 14 tracks. I was baffled: how could the person who had blessed my ears with such great K-pop send me such dribble?

Because, ladies and gentlemen, there's a catch.

("Sure, I'll be your girlfriend!" kind of catch)

The music is supposed to be awful. Let that sink in for a moment. Yes, the point of the music is to listen to it, and hope "your favorite idol" gets better, so the music sounds better. Confused? I was too.

Here's where I started to understand why idolism, and especially AKB, is such an awful hobby: it's because you have to buy into the concept of the "Idol".

"What's the concept?", you may ask. Well, I'll try to simplify it for you (though if you want a more unnecessarily thorough explanation, that "Idol 101" article will more than satisfy you). 

Basically, girls as young as 12 (and probably younger), audition to become idols. As that article concedes, it's usually based on looks (because who wants to live out pedophiliac dreams to an ugly loli?). If they're chosen, they go through a huge selection process, where thousands of fat, NEET, Japanese otaku vote on who they want to be in the greater AKB group through what are known as "AKB general elections" (think American Idol, expect a lot creepier). And once they're chosen, the otaku who voted them in continue to follow them, in the hopes that they'll improve, and eventually, make it into major album singles, or even a music video.

(Where they get to see their loli in a bathing suit...see it comes full circle!...or something...)

As previously mentioned, the music videos are really pervy. Here's one that borders on softcore pornography!:

(Don't you just want to go make some friends who are into idolism, so you can watch Japanese girls bathe together?)

Ok, so since you're aware of the concept, now the awful music might make more since to you. But more importantly, you're probably asking why the hell you'd want to get yourself involved in a hobby centered around girls that are at an age to be your younger sister or daughter.

An American AKB fan would probably answer as Dae did in his article: it's all about getting to follow your idol, like a friggin' Pokemon, as it grows up and matures into a true 'artist'. As Dae writes:

"

It’s just as much about the stuff they do off-stage, or in my case, even more about the things they do outside of performing. It’s about the television shows they appear in and the wide array of personalities that make them fun to follow. It’s about watching the chemistry between the rag tag group of idols while they work their asses off to become something extraordinary. It’s about the romanticized and perhaps naive idea that if you work hard enough at something, you can achieve whatever you want.

Fans celebrate when idols give a great live performance, and find humor as well as sympathy if they completely screw up. Remember, when an idol makes a mistake, it’s fucking adorable. Always.

There is always a sense of “rooting for the underdogs” in idol fandom, because even though idols can become mainstream sensations, it’s still largely a niche hobby. There may be a lot of idols out there, but precious few actually break into the mainstream.

"

"Ok", your saying to yourself. "It's supposed to be unprofessional. Thats supposed to be the charm of it. You cheer them on when they succeed, and laugh and cry when they fail."

With such a seemingly innocent concept, you may wonder why more people aren't into it, to the extent of other Japanese fandoms like anime, manga, or other, non-idol, J-pop.

Well, to solve that central quandary, I direct you to one particular line of that article:

(No, violent video games are a fantasy world, created with the purpose of allowing you to fictionally live out blowing shit up. AKB, on the other hand, is based on blowing up when looking at actual pictures of 14 year old girls in school uniforms)

"WHOA HOLD ON A SEC BRO." Your now telling yourself (along with wondering why your talking to yourself so much). "Now why would people think this is a hobby for pedophiles, and why would this guy feel a need to address that?"

That's because, it IS a hobby for pedophiles.

Don't believe me? Ok, now that we've examined the American AKB fan and they're perspective, let's look to the Japanese AKB fan perspective.

The average person into Idolism and idol culture in Japan is a disgusting otaku. He follows AKB because he's into little girls in skirts, and is too afraid to hang out in a tree outside a high school to take pictures of actual school girls. He can receive a healthy update of skimpy photos of his favorite under-18 girl in creepy photobooks. He is entirely ousted by Japanese society as they absolute worst kind of otaku. Anime otaku, while bad, are at least not doting on real, school-age girls. And at least they aren't doing shit like this (time to turn Safe Search on):

http://www.sankakucomplex.com/2012/02/03/idol-otaku-inflict-semen-handshake-on-akb48/

As you can tell by that quite explicit link, at special "fan handshake events", many idol otaku go "rub it out" in the bathroom before meeting/shaking hands with their favorite loli.

Oh, still think it's not for pedophiles? Here's what some pedos that show up to these "handshake events" for AKB have said to their favorite idols (specifically to AKB member Tomomi Kasai):

"

“I jacked off this morning before I came to see you!”

“I Tomonanised earlier!”

“So you’re wearing pink underwear today again?”

“Tomomi, your body is looking as sexy as ever!”

“Say ‘Oh! It came out!’ whilst doing this [gesturing as if holding a penis] please!”

"

Oh yeahhhh, totally not for pedos, right? It's a hobby that literally breeds pedos (considering you already have to be obsessive enough to buy dozens of CD's to redeem for tickets to these "hand shake" events).

The fact is that the fanbase for Idols is insanely creepy. Idol fans fantasize and obsess over their favorite idols and do things like this:

This guy bought 5500 copies of one AKB single, just because he loved them that much.

Like, wut.

Here's another story of a man whose wife threatened to divorce him after he splurged on almost 500 copies of an AKB CD:

http://www.news-postseven.com/archives/20120608_115385.html

No matter how you slice it, Idol otaku are just awful, salaryman creeps. They have tons of time, and apparently, money, to spend obsessing over an "idol". It's truly an awful hobby, that attracts some equally awful people. Anime otaku, as weird as they are, don't do shit like this.

Even worse, when an AKB idol screws up, it causes mass hysteria. AKB fans will flip like a switch on an idol if they found out they were involved in anything scandalous or sexual. Take this for example:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-21299324

Minami Minegishi shaved her head because she spent "a night with her boyfriend" and was essentially bullied to near suicide by the same mass of otakus that were probably jerking it to a picture of her in a school uniform the day before the scandal broke. There's a weird sexual complex centered around keeping an idol "pure", so that she still appears "clean, "untouched", and "virgin" to the otaku viewer. An idol that breaks that unwritten contract of chastity is usually bullied out of idolism and music altogether. Such is the way of AKB.

So now, let's compare fan bases by returning to the article that said idolism isn't for perverts. Well, if that's true, American idol fans are odd bedfellows with Japanese idol fans. It's the question that has stayed with me: why would American fans want to be into a hobby that attracts such weirdos (especially in Japan)?

The answer is, most people wouldn't, which is why idolism is such a niche hobby to begin with. But then you might wonder if American fans just view the whole thing differently; maybe they act less creepy and go more along with the concept as it should be.

In my experience, though, American idol fans are just as weird and creepy. At the J-pop Summit in 2013, I had the 'opportunity' to listen from, and talk with, a few AKB fans. 

(It was like a convention, just worse...and outside)

For the most part, they were all awkward and quiet, and just sounded creepy when they could name all the bodily stats of their favorite idol. Something tells me needing to know the height, weight, bust size and blood type of a particular 17 year old female idol in Japan isn't going to save any lives.

("She needs a blood transfusion! Thank god that idol otaku knew her blood type!")

One particular story illustrates this creepiness perfectly: on the bus to Japan Town, two disheveled guys in their mid-30's struck up a conversation with a women next to me. They began discussing which AKB idols were their favorite. It all seemed ok...that was, until they started comparing the relative breast size of some 16 year-old AKB singers (in centimeters, no less). Pretty soon, the girl they were talking to became just as creeped out as I was, and the whole bus of people just looked at each other in disgust. It's fine to be passionate about some weird hobbies: watch anime, read manga, shit, go watch some tentacle hentai. BUT PLEASE, don't get into a hobby where your interaction with other fans amounts to analyzing the sexual developments of little girls.

Because a hobby like that is awful.

Now, please excuse me. I'm gonna go listen to some Big Bang and dance around my house like a baka, pretending to know Korean...and go delete all the AKB music in my iTunes.

And if my whole article couldn't convince you to do the same, I'll leave you with this info graphic: